Be caught by my hand
I'll show you what I can do
When I dream for you!"
About 5 to 6 months ago I was begging that God just speak to me like he spoke to Moses. He heard me loud and clear. So loud and clear in fact that on the radio that morning I was captivated by Pastor Todd Carnes from Radius Church was speaking exactly about this and why God doesn't speak to us that way. Now while that is a post for another day, it plays a part in what is happening in life right now.
Three weeks ago as I sat in meetings it was the first time ever that I felt I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. As a matter of fact, I had never dreaded going back to work as much as I had this past summer. And to make it even more frustrating I couldn't get out of the funk.
You see I feel like there is a place I'm supposed to be and I just can't figure out what that place is, but I know God is working on me to simply trust in him. Something I can do so easily on so many things in my life....you know, trusting that my kids are going to thrive and I just need to be patient, etc. I just can't seem to let go on parts of my life like job security, the future, etc. The only thing I knew I had to do and couldn't wait for was to go to the Casting Crowns concert.
For the past few months, the most energized I have been has been going to meetings to get our i-Reach team started at church. In other words...Evangelism. Bringing others to know Christ. Sharing Christ's love. Sharing our stories. So much in fact that I am going to be leading a study on Wednesday evenings helping others to learn how to tell their story, how to build relationships, and how to share God's love. I am so excited and nervous about this opportunity.
An opportunity because I stopped long enough to really listen. An opportunity because God laid it on my heart to share a brief testimony among strangers/family when visiting an old childhood church when I was in Virginia. Yes, shy very introverted me spoke out to an entire church of basic strangers. It was really quite remarkable as God laid it on my heart to do this the Thursday prior and I didn't even know what to say other than thinking back to some roots, memories. Ironically prayer concerns that day were for the children...returning to school, those who accepted Christ over the summer and returning to the temptations in the world. I knew then that my testimony to this group was that what they are doing, keep doing it because you never know what the future holds. I shared how awesome it was to watch my own daughter participate in the penny march just as I had when I was about her age about 30 years ago when I would go with my Papaw Pilkenton to church. While there is so much that shaped who I am and so many churches along the way, each piece plays a small part and no detail is too small.
From there God reminded me that part of my teaching passion and passions in general is writing. The idea was planted and is currently growing as we prepare to begin our new Wednesday night studies.
Then just last week I received an email:
Hello, my friend!
Since I don't believe in coincidences (I believe all our steps/paths are guided), I wanted to tell you about an encounter I just experienced, and how you have once again blessed my day!!Again a reminder about writing. While I know my blog doesn't get a lot of traffic, I believe strongly that the person who the posts are for will find the blog. Just like in teaching, it is a matter of making a difference one child at a time.
Speaking of children, I think there is a reason God needs me to stay still and trust in him besides the needs of my own children. During the past couple of weeks, He placed a child back in my life. A child with a story that absolutely broke my heart years ago and continues to break my heart today. So apparently I'm still in the right place, I'm just not patient enough to wait to find out his plans for me.
Finally the Casting Crowns concert arrived. God spoke so much at this concert through the songs sang.
The first few lines of "House of Their Dreams" hit so hard because it described exactly how I was feeling just a few short weeks ago:
"A corner office was his dream, more like a prison now it seems
Somewhere on the corporate climb, he left his warrior behind.
Now he's just a worker at a daily grind, steals his years and numbs his mind
His strength is fading, his dreams are blind, this is not the life he had in mind"
That's where the hitting home ends. But yes, it feels that way from time to time as I question how much of my beliefs about teaching and learning are being sacrificed to meet the requirements of the job.
Shortly after this, the following song was shared. A song I came across a few weeks ago. A song that revitalized me, comforted me, and has given me the strength I need. The strength to be open to what God really has in store because His dreams for me are so much bigger than any I can ever come up with on my own. While this song played at the concert, God spoke so loudly to me that not only am I in the place I need to be right now, but that He has so much in store for me starting with evangelism, stories, and writing. What all of it means, I do not quite know, but I do know that I have to let go of my plan so He can dream for me. A song he sent this time not to help me through the pain and trials of my children, but a song to remind me that he is still working on me too.
As I leave you, I ask that you pray with me.
Father God, I know I can be so frustrating for you at times as I hang on tightly to the world around me, to the safety nets I perceive to be there. I also know that your love for me is so amazingly all encompassing that you are the ultimate safety net, I just need to learn to trust and let go. I know your plans for me are so much bigger than any plan I can ever dream of. Thank you Lord. Thank you for loving me, holding me, strengthening me, your child. Amen.
