4th Day Gathering...Make Me Broken

There she kneels in prayer each morning. A grown woman, kneeling in an almost fetal like position, taking her pleas, her worries, her passions, her praises, her everything to God. A new practice she began over the past few months. A practice she began because although she prayed daily, she realized she needed to be more purposeful in prayer. She needed a time to really converse with God…both to speak to Him as a child to a parent and to listen carefully, listening for His still small voice. Listening for God’s comforting words. Listening so she can hear God guide her path in ways that will bring glory to Him.

This woman is me and one way my Walk to Emmaus changed me is the way in which I focus on my relationship with God through prayer. Not just in the words I say, but in the way I pray. My name is Brandi Cade. I currently live in Cayce, SC. I attend church right here at Platt Springs UMC. I went on Midlands Walk #48 and I sat at the table of Martha.

Join me now on my journey as we take a walk back in time.  Growing up I was in and out of church. I loved being at church, but I didn’t always have a way to get there so my attendance, no matter where we lived, was sporadic. While in high school I was introduced to Romans 8:28 by my youth pastor and it has been my go to verse ever since.

        

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I would use this as my go to verse in times of change, trouble, and doubt. 

Fast forward a few years to college…I married my first husband early in my college days and attended a small UM church in Greer, SC. Faith UMC. Here my passion for the Lord was renewed. I quickly went from simply attending services to joining the choir and leading classes during Vacation Bible School. The church was my other family…with many adopted grandparents. I loved watching Ms. Betty sing in the choir. Her face glowed with radiance as she sang the Lord’s praises. And Mr. Pete….no one can sing Sweet Little Jesus Boy quite like he could.  But then I lost it all….I returned home from visiting my parents one day to hear my husband at the time say, “Sorry, I made a mistake marrying you. I don’t love you anymore.  I’m leaving.”

Talk about devastating. I had just spent a week thinking about my upcoming graduation and planning when to start a family. I ended up moving back in with my parents in Columbia right after graduation. I didn’t seek out a church once I was here. I guess you could say I was broken and fearful. As a matter of fact, I didn’t seek out a church until 2008. Six years after I had left my previous church home in Greer.

During those 6 years I met, fell in love with, and married my husband who I’ve been happily married to for almost 13 years now. We had 2 kids by that time…one was almost 3 and the other was about 4 months old. I had known for a long time I wanted to get back to church, but I wasn’t good at just putting myself out there.

Shortly before getting back to church, I started listening to WMHK…to the point that I stopped being the constant button pusher on the radio. No other song that might be playing mattered. All that mattered was hearing the Christian songs they played. I would find solace in listening to those songs. The songs brought me peace and understanding. They brought me back to the scripture.

Not sure why I was surprised since music always played a big role in my life. Music has always been the avenue I would choose to get through the tough times as well as the happy ones. But how much more powerful these songs were since they also included praising God, keeping faith in God, turning things over to God.

So longing to find a church, in September 2008 I reached out to my dear friend and mentor, Linda and she helped me find my way back to church. This church. My kids and I were immediately embraced and loved. During this time period my oldest was wrecked with eczema so bad that he looked like a burn victim who had been put through a meat grinder. Needless to say, getting to church regularly wasn’t always easy given the pain he was in constantly as well as the in depth routine we had to go through each day to wrap and protect him. But we made it….and my baby boy grew to love Jesus and God even more because of it.

Through the early years here I once again found myself working with the kids….and longing to be part of the choir. But it wasn’t quite my time yet. You see, during my early years here I slipped into a bad habit…if I had to teach, then I showed up. If not, then I stayed home and put family first…although in my head I knew I should put God first. Well God helped change that….eventually I became the only Sunday School teacher for my class so I had to show up every Sunday. But it was at that point that I really took ownership of what I was doing in the church.

It would still be a few more years of work before I would find myself in a position where my soul was absolutely on fire for God and I was seeking to truly put Him first. Not caring what others thought. In the meantime, I was still out seeking ways to please humans. For me, my “pleasure” seeking was through schooling. Getting that next degree or that next award or that next certificate. With all that work, I always had an excuse to only attend church on Sundays. But I still felt empty. Incomplete. It didn’t make sense at the time, but in that moment I thought I was doing well at trying to have it all. Back in church regulary…check. Getting good grades on doctoral level work….check. Making time for family (even had a 3^rd child)…check. Making a name for myself at my job…check and double check.

And then in 2013 these words came over the air as I was driving down the road….

Make me broken

So I can be healed…..

What? Make me broken. YES!!!! Sign me up Lord! Make me broken I prayed over and over. I know….sounds a little crazy right? Why would anyone ask to be broken… on purpose?

Make me empty

So I can be filled

Yes! Sign me up for that one too! Make me empty so I can be filled with you Lord. Doesn’t sound near as bad as being broken right?

Make me lonely

So I can be Yours

Okay, sign me up for that one too. But God, really, please make me broken and empty. I want you to Keep Making Me and if you have to break me and empty me to do it, then please break me and empty me.

And He did allow some of this to happen over the next few years. My oldest son’s health failed to the point he was no longer thriving and by March 2014 he underwent surgery to have a feeding tube placed. My middle child suffered her own fair share of allergy and eczema related problems. But no matter what battle I faced, I kept praying. I kept my faith.

Fast forward a little...I eventually made my way to teaching adult studies on Wednesday evenings and a little later finally joined the choir. My Sunday only became really long hours here on Wednesdays. 

Little did I know that all I slowly started adding would lead to me being where I am today. In 2015 I was first asked about going on the walk to Emmaus, but things didn’t work out. So during that year I did a lot of praying. A lot of begging God to break me & heal me, empty me & fill me. A lot of asking God to please Keep Making Me until He was my one desire. 

I knew that in order for God to be my one desire and for me to do what he created me to do, in order for me to fulfill my purpose, I would need to start giving up things. In early 2016 I made decisions on what to let go of. The first to go….my position with the local reading council. The next to go….my goal of being called Dr. Cade. I prayed and prayed and prayed and when I received an email describing an opportunity to receive 2 Certficates of Advance Graduate Studies in doctoral work instead of my doctorate in education, I prayed some more, then I leaped. I chose to not get my degree. I chose to let that go and focus on God and family.

From there things have been on an amazing ride. In September 2016 it was shared that an announcement would be in the upcoming bulletin about the need for a new youth coordinator to work alongside the youth director. I didn’t need to hear Romans 8:28 being spoken to me this time. This time I knew it was my season. I had been curious about working with the youth for a few years, but never dreamed that would be a possibility. I spent many hours in prayer and held many discussions with family about it. Then I took the leap.

At the same time I was approached about going on the Walk to Emmaus in late October. Timing worked out great this time….well, there were a few bumps, but God was top priority and I wasn’t going to let anything stand in the way.

The walk finally came….and it was something beyond what I could have ever imagined it to be. The first night was exactly what I needed. Hearing the speakers share their testimonies as well as teach us helped me to grow in my understanding of so many things. And the tablemates…I can’t recall a time I was with a group of women and became friends so quickly and freely. A group of women I try to keep in touch with despite our busy lives and how far apart we live from each other. 

I think one of the biggest take aways I had from my walk other than my time with God and really reflecting on my relationship with Him was how many times I could see myself and my situations in other people…and how God was there and present in each and everyone of their situations.

While on the walk I was also able to turn some things over to God that I didn’t realize I was holding on to. Things that I’m determined to pray about fervently each and every day now because I learned just how important it is for me to do so and to trust God’s timing for it all.

Then came 4^th day….my everyday after my walk. You remember how I had prayed for God to make me broken and empty? Well you see, the part I left out of my story (and had planned to keep out) is this:

The night before I left for my walk we discovered a bed bug infestation. I knew before making it home that 4^th day was going to be riddled with challenge after challenge. Little did I know that my first week back we would also discover that mice had taken up home in our attic and decided to come out and play at night. So here I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor, fighting bedbugs, and scared to death of the mice in the attic.

After one night that week with almost no sleep that’s when I first really hit my knees. I lost it in the shower, fell to my knees and cried over and over about how broken I was. How I couldn’t take anymore. How I needed God to take over everything. Notice that it wasn't the medical problems or the divorce early in life, it was bedbugs and mice that brought me to my knees. I cried on my knees until the only words that would form were Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. I need you. And then came the feeling of peace. Of knowing that I would survive this. And at that moment my prayer life changed. 

It took me a little longer to develop the practice of going to God every morning, kneeling in prayer, but it’s now a practice I cherish and don’t want to miss.

This month I got the privilege to read 1 Kings 19:1-14. When it came to the part of the Lord appearing to Elijah, I felt such a connection. You see God didn’t come to him in the wind, the earthquake, or even the fire. God came in a whisper. Although it is sometimes hard to find time to be alone with the Lord, I realize it is the most important part of strengthening my relationship with Him. I realize that is when I can hear His whisper. It’s not in the busy-ness of life, but it’s in the stillness. Sure I’ve heard Him at odd times when life is loud, chaotic, and crazy, but I get to have such deeper and more meaningful conversations now that I protect that silent time with Him. I get time to hear Him speak to me.

And although I’m still sleeping on a mattress on the floor, my identity was stolen in a security breach at work recently making taxes fun to deal with this year, and my pay was cut in January…I praise God each and everyday. God is mending me and filling me in so many ways that I don’t even have to words to explain it all yet. I get the joy and the privilege to sing His praises, I get the joy and privilege to work with the youth in our church, and I get the joy and privilege to face each day knowing that God strengthens and blesses me, he’s extended Grace to me, and I know that I’m a child of the one true king.

I realize now that the broken in the song isn’t so much about breaking me physically or mentally, but it’s about breaking me away from the things that keep me from having the best relationship I can with the Heavenly Father. It’s not about emptying me so that I have nothing, it’s about emptying me so that He can fill me with what He needs to equip me with so that I can move forward according to His purpose for my life.

So I will continue to pray, “Lord…Keep Making Me.” My journey isn’t over yet. It’s only just begun and I trust Him to equip me to do the things He’s calling me to do.

I leave you with this: What’s your prayer life like? Is it barely an ember burning low or is it a full on fire blazing for all to see? Have you found the time to be still and quiet so you can listen for God’s whisper?

Thank you and….De Colores