How do you do it?

I've lost count of how many times I've heard the following:

"I don't know how you do it." 

"How do you do it day in and day out?"

To which I always reply, "Through God."

And normally I leave it at that, but lately I've included a little more discussion. I admit that it is HARD. It is hard to hear your child scream at you "MOMMY YOU'RE HURTING ME! PLEASE STOP MOMMY! NO! NO! NO! PLEASE! I SAID STOP!" 

All the while having to work with more patience than you ever dreamed you had, wanting to join in the screaming yourself. Hating ever second that your child screams out in excruciating pain while you simply try to apply lotions, oils, creams, medicines that you know are needed to make your child feel better. Holding your child so tightly against you that your arms ache and fingers cramp from holding wrists still. All so your child can calm done enough, not scratch, and fall asleep. Only to wake at some point in the night that you don't even know about to scratch until blood covers the bed. Eventually falling asleep again on their own to start the next day in pain because pajamas are now stuck to their skin and require carefully getting the pajamas off without pulling any scabs or skin off which leads to more screams.

But then you get a glimpse of the light that is just around the corner as the first couple of days of this all too familiar routine starts working and your child can go through their nightly routine again without the tears, without the screams. Wondering how long the good time will last this time. Sometimes I can share that we are having such an amazing day and the kids are on the mend, then without warning, I may be sharing that I need prayer warriors to pray for one of the kids because we've taken a turn for the worse. And then hours later things may be momentarily fine again. Each day really is a never ending roller coaster. 

Last night as I held Bradley tightly so he couldn't rip open his skin, I closed my eyes. I really just wanted to lay there in the dark room with him, holding him, and cry and question why. I don't question why too often, but there are times I get overwhelmed and wonder why. But last night as I closed my eyes, an image filled my mind. Instead of seeing darkness and allowing my tears to flow, I closed my eyes and saw Jesus, reaching out his comforting hand, reminding me that He is there, He is holding me as I hold my child. He is holding Bradley too. And try as I might to get angry, I just couldn't. He wouldn't let me. He wouldn't let me run. Instead he stayed right there reminding me to have patience, to trust, and to know that there are reasons beyond my understanding for all of this. 

Does this make me happy....NO. I just want my babies to enjoy life and not have to suffer unnecessarily. But for right now, this is our life. I will continue to have faith and to do what I can to ease my children's sufferings as best as I can, to take them to appointments, to shower them with love, and to embrace the moments when my babies aren't suffering. I will shout Hallelujah when times are good and turn to God in tears when life is misery....regardless, I will keep turning to God. 

Do I get tired sometimes of hearing "I don't know how you do it." At first I felt weird. Afterall, I feel like I'm doing what any mom would do. I would also think that there are so many others out there suffering so much more. But now, I embrace the statement. And no I don't get tired of hearing "I don't know how you do it". I've decided this is one way I can share my faith, my trust in and love for God. To share that without Him, then I wouldn't be able to handle any of this. I would be a complete mess. It is God's love for me, his comforting arms, his promise, and his grace that get me through each day and keep me from being a mess. Jesus LOVES me and he won't let me run away....even when I try for just a moment. I'm thankful for that.