The Moments Sneak Up on You

Bradley sat with his headphones on, completely tuned in to his iPad as he played Minecraft. Tori could be heard singing along to WMHK. Since daylight savings had just started a couple weeks ago, the ride this morning was still dark. The sun had yet to peek through the clouds. Just a normal, everyday ride to school.

But for me, it wasn't so normal. Our life has changed the past 2 weeks, and I will admit that although I wish a feeding tube was not part of our new normal, there have been a few times when I am so busy that I have appreciated not having so many limitations when it comes to planning dinner each evening. Other than avoiding eggs and peanuts, the menu options are different than they've been in a long time. No more cooking similar meals that sometimes meant fixing a dinner specific for Bradley and then everyone else's meal. Sometimes I think God knows our needs and while I don't like being busy all the time, busy is what we've needed. But then he stops us, reminds us that we do need to slow down. We need to take time to feel, take time to heal.

This morning was one of those moments. As I drove past the Hardees like I do pretty much every morning without thought, the tears started to flow. That Hardee's was mine and Bradley's special place a few years ago. I was pregnant with Aubrey and didn't always keep my first breakfast down. Bradley was a vibrant kindergartener who for the first time in years he got to have mommy all to himself on his way to school. So we began a habit that somehow we only did while he was in kindergarten. We would swing through the drive through and I would get a biscuit and gravy meal or one of the meals that included that plus sausage and eggs.

A few minutes later we would park at the far end of his school's parking lot so he could enjoy hash rounds and orange juice; the only safe foods for him from Hardees. Our little secret. I would eat mine once I got to my school/work.

The tears flowed because although we definitely don't have just the two of us in the van on the way to school anymore, we still drive past and who knows, maybe one day I would have stopped to get us all some breakfast. But as of right now, that is not in our foreseeable future.

No rush out the door, just so we can get our secret breakfast.

So when people ask, "Well, how's mom holding up?" shortly after they have asked about Bradley, I often reply fine, but sometimes it depends on the moment. It depends on the moment, because those moments that you aren't even thinking of sneak up on you and you find your cheeks wet as the tears leave a trail down your face.

That's how I think God asks up to live our lives; by the small moments. Sure we will have some great moments in life, but for the most part our lives are made up by the small moments. The small moments when we are just making daily decisions, the small pats on the back for a job done well, even the small moments that cause a tear to fall. Small moments of anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, happiness. You name it. And sometimes, those small moments will lead to big ones.

Think about it: David used a small stone and defeated a giant that the armies could not defeat. Zacchaeus was a man of small stature who took a little more on taxes that he should have, but in a small moment of wanting to see Jesus, just see him, he climbed that sycamore tree. The woman who touched Jesus robe while in the crowd because she had such faith in his healing...a small moment missed initially by so many. The blind man from birth whom the disciples asked whether it was he or his parents who sinned. Jesus took but a small moment to apply mud to his eyes. Mary who chose to stop and take the time to anoint Jesus's feet with perfume. Again, a small moment. There are so many instances of small moments.

So in trusting our God and Savior, I try to notice and appreciate the small moments, but sometimes I need to be reminded to do so. This morning was a simple reminder. A reminder that, yes our lives are changed for the moment. Yes I will have many small moments like this. Yes, it is okay to go through a flurry of emotions. All these reminders to ultimately remind me to keep God as the center of my life. Because you see, just as silently and quickly as this small moment slipped up on me, God whispered and reminded me that He's got this. It's okay to go through the emotions. It's okay to remember the small moments of good times and realize that things are different. It's okay to shed some tears. All this is okay, and He is right there for each and every one of those small moments. Sometimes, we just have to be still just long enough to remember this and then let our faith kick in. Let it rise.

Assessments: Which Would You Choose?

	Assessment A	Assessment B **Computer adaptive items may be selected response or constructed response	Assessment C
Time Limitations	No time limits, finish within the school day	At this point no time limits with the exception of Writing Performance Task (part 1: 35 minutes, Part 2: 70 minutes)	English: 30 minutes Writing: 30 minutes Reading: 60 minutes Math: 55 minutes
Reading Assessment	36-38 multiple choice	25-32 computer adaptive questions and 3 performance tasks	22-24 selected response, 3-5 technology enhanced, 4 constructed response Total: 31
Writing Assessment	1 Extended response prompt and 25 multiple  choice	7-10 computer adaptive responses and 1 performance task (PT includes 3 research items and 1 essay that is scored across 3 areas)	1 constructed response English: 26-28 selected response, 4-6 technology enhanced Total: 32
Math Assessment	56 multiple choice	30-40 computer adaptive and 1 performance task	18-20 selected response, 6-8 technology enhanced, 3-5 constructed response Total: 31

Assessment Comparisons

**Above is for 3^rd-5^th grade only

Some explanation of a few terms above:

Computer adaptive: Basically as students get questions correct, the questions get harder to find out really how much the student knows. As students get questions wrong, the questions are adapted to go lower until can tell what student knows.

In writing…

          Prompts: Students are given a few sentences that prompt, or give direction on what the student should write about.

          Performance task: Students are given a real life scenario, read, listen, or view video on the given topic and take notes from the items. Then students write to respond to the scenario using information from the reading, listening, and/or viewing to support their position. 

I have posted in the past and have started this piece of writing and abandoned it many times. I know it isn't going to make any difference by pointing out these comparisons. I know that the squeaky wheel gets the oil. I understand that sometimes compromises have to be made. But despite all this, I can still have an opinion. 

I get frustrated that there really is debate going on over something that started being implemented years ago, but for some reason an entire state has enough people who think this is all new, who haven't taken the time to fully read or study the standards being implemented, and who haven't taken the time to really get to know the assessment options. 

As a mom and a passionate educator, I have been looking forward to full implementation of CCSS and SmarterBalanced for the past few years. I've been looking forward to this because of the depth required, the thinking required, and the work required of students who are really expected to learn deeply in the areas of ELA and math.

Unfortunately, change requires work. Work that some people are not willing to do, while others embrace the changes and despite how much they share and try to educate others about the changes the information falls on deaf ears. Ears that have decided to only pay attention to the squeaky wheel. 

I get compromise and that it means better than losing all ground, but I can still feel frustrated because that is my right. I was looking forward to the day students were going to have to actually apply learning and perform in a closer to real world task when being assessed, but those days seem to be quickly going away. 

As you think about the above assessment table, also consider these sample 3rd grade writing standards as you continue to read. 

Writing standard examples from Standard group 1: 

• Create written communications (for example, friendly letters that include a greeting, body, closing, and signature and invitations that include the time, date, and place of the event). 
• Create narratives that include characters and setting and follow a logical sequence. 
• Create written descriptions about people, places, or events. 
• Create written pieces (for example, riddles and jokes) to entertain others. 

Writing standard examples from Standard group 2: 

• Write opinion pieces on topics or texts, supporting a point of view with reasons.
• Write informative/explanatory texts to examine a topic and convey ideas and information clearly.
• Write narratives to develop real or imagined experiences or events using effective technique, descriptive details, and clear event sequences.

Hopefully you can see that group 1 is very specific and narrow where as group 2 lends itself to a wide variety of writing that could encompass all those standards from group 1 and more. 

Going back to the main focus of assessment, as a classroom teacher, it was so frustrating when a student pleads for help on a writing prompt because they have no background knowledge or understanding of the terms used in a prompt. Afterall, how can you write about something you have never experienced, read about, etc? I was looking forward to the day that students would get a chance to read, watch a video clip, listen to some audio, analyze charts, etc. and take notes on those items. Then use the notes and the acquired information to write a narrative, an opinion essay, or informational paper. Students were going to be given a more even playing field while at the same time begin practicing real life applications of writing (or at least speaking).

You see, it's not completely about the test, but in some ways it is because we unfortunately live in a test driven age of accountability. So while we don't teach to the test, we do teach to the test because testing is a specific format that unless you are taught how to respond to various types of questions, you will most likely struggle no matter how much you know. In writing for example, if you are only taught and allowed to freewrite about anything you want, then when you receive a prompt that requires you to write on a specific topic and have certain components of writing chances are, unless you've learned how to do those things, you will struggle. 

The assessment will drive just how deep teachers plan instruction and facilitate the learning in the classroom. If students are going to be assessed on a random prompt, then that is how teachers are going to incorporate test prep into writing and overall writing instruction. If the test expects students to be able to read or view material, pull information from the material, and then use the material to helps support opinions or provide examples of information, then students are going to be taught how to read closely, how to determine what is important to use, how to rephrase information to avoid plagiarism. 

Taking a look at assessment C, I have nightmares while wide awake for that. With the most up to date blueprints right now: In reading you will have 60 minutes to read an unknown number of pieces of short text and answer 31 questions. Seven to nine of those questions will require some written response instead of just multiple choice or will require some type of technology enhanced manipulation scenario.  Writing by itself will have 30 minutes. That's right, 30 minutes to read the prompt, plan and draft the paper, and then write the final piece. The company argues that less time required for testing will mean more time for teaching. I personally see it as a means to say that those who read below grade level are at an extra disadvantage because they may not get to answer all the questions because it takes them longer to read the passages. These students may be able to comprehend what they are reading, but it won't matter if they can't show it because they are cut off after 60 minutes. 

These are all just examples, and really just my educated opinion on what will be best for students. Take it how you like. No final decisions have been reached, but following the legislation I see a turn for the worst, but at least it won't be the absolute worst case scenario at this moment. Afterall, it has become about compromise. A word that I have not been liking too much the past couple of weeks, but one I must live with. 

So I ask that you take a look at the chart again. Think about how you were as a child being tested. Think about your own children or grandchildren and how they are as learners. Which assessment would you prefer? Look again at the writing standard examples. Which are going to require the students of today to learn at a much deeper level and can be used in life vs. just to learn it for the grade level?

God Whispers

Proverbs 16: 3-4 Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established. The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble.

It's hard to believe, but 18 years ago I used to sit in a youth Sunday School class at Miles Road Baptist Church learning more about God. Well, to be specific, I really recall learning about being a witness. To tell others our story, to share the love of Christ. I remember thinking of how brave they were to stand in front of others and share their story.

Over the past few months while I have been praying for others and for my family, I have also been praying for God to show me, to lead me to where he wants me to go next. You see a few years ago I got into a bad habit. I would only attend church on days I had to teach Sunday School. A year and a half ago, I decided that I was going to stop doing that and make sure I show up on Sundays and attend Sunday School for myself, to grow me. Well, I guess God wanted to make sure I was going to stay committed to being there every Sunday because suddenly in a span of about a month I became the only Sunday School teacher for my K-2nd graders. And trust me, when you have to teach, you have to plan, and when you do that you learn.

As time would have it, I began praying again for God's purpose for me in my job and in life in general. You see I really do miss being part of the choir, even though I personally have low self esteem, especially when it comes to singing. I have to keep reminding myself that I did have to try out to be in honor choir at two different high schools and my previous church choir director did have me do a couple of solos and duets. So maybe, just maybe I can sing a little. But I also know that of the many gifts God has blessed me with, becoming some dynamic singer is not it. So will I make it back to the choir, one day.

So while choir has been at the back of my mind, this whole idea of being a witness has continued to pop into my head over the past few months. So for me, knowing that I love writing and have always received compliments for my writing, I knew that I needed to return to my blog. Afterall I named it Brandi's Lifesong because I wanted to share not just my life, but my Life Song. My life with God. My life with Jesus. And oddly enough, I keep telling and thinking about Bradley and what God has in store for him and how God is using him as part of the ministry to share God's love. To show others how to have the faith like a child that God calls us to have. I never really thought about the fact that all this time, I have also been witnessing for God. Sharing for others to hear the Good News.

But all this time, I think God has been whispering and apparently he had to raise his voice a little higher than a whisper because he wants me to see that he has plans to use me as well. Granted I don't know his plans, but I do know that I need to open myself up, to be quiet and listen. So these past few months I've been praying about what is next. And all this time, the memories of learning about being a witness have popped up over and over. Even to the point of thinking of how I can work with my K-2nd graders on how to be a witness at a level they understand.

Just this past Sunday, God whispered to me during the announcements, only I didn't pay much attention to it. Something was mentioned about a group getting together to pray and nominate individuals for a ministry at the church. I paid only enough attention to give it a passing thought of "I wonder who God is going to direct them to choose?" It was then that God whispered, but honestly I pushed the whisper away. I passed it off as my planning out scenarios in my head like I often do. The whisper was just barely enough to blow a seed into my mind, that maybe I would get asked.  I quickly quieted that whisper down and told myself that wouldn't happen and I don't have time.

Then God placed before me the forgotten milk, the denial phone calls, and the need to go to the grocery store....alone. He knew I would seek him out and I did as you may have read in my previous post. It was just enough for me to let go of the frustrations and remember that with Him all things are possible and we will get through this.

A couple hours later, I receive a private Facebook message with some attachments. A letter and a description of the responsibilities. What God has been whispering, what I've been praying about, and the seed that was planted, but hadn't been nurtured all week were staring me in the face all of a sudden in black and white from my computer screen. A nomination. A request that I pray on this opportunity and even if I choose to not accept...it would be okay. The essence of the new group will be focused on evangelism and being a witness. Isn't it funny how God works. So now, as I have been since I received the documents, I pray. I will continue to pray on this and open myself up to hear God's whisper.

You see God knows our hearts, he knows his purpose for us, he knows how to reach us, he knows his plans for us, and he promises to be with us through it all. So I leave you to reflect on what God has in store for your life. How can he use you? Let us recall and reflect on the following:

Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Who Knew? Feeding Your Child...Post 1

Thankfully I realized after getting home that I forgot to get milk! You see, this could have been the icing on the cake, but for me it meant that I was going to leave the house by myself for a few moments. Something I needed today.

For me, it has never been so much the caring of my children's medical needs that gets to me. It's the dealing with insurance. We've always had one battle or another with insurance....from one year covering a topical medication to the next year saying that it can't be covered for a child that young. Or out right denying coverage for a pill (Singulair even after it became a generic) until it is proven the child has been receiving treatment via allergy medication and nose spray from a specified list of acceptable medications in those categories. Mind you if the insurance really did their homework prior to such a letter, they would see they've been covering the required medications to get the approval for years. Or how about a known gastro problem for a couple of years and then being denied medication for reflux when a medication used to be covered. But no, each case means getting the physician to help with the fight by writing a letter. I can't help but think each and every time....obviously my child's doctor knows what he or she is doing and they have a reason for the prescription in the first place. They shouldn't have to take even more time to right letters explaining their actions to insurance companies.

That brings us to now. Going into our new phase in life with Bradley, we knew we would be up against denial from private insurance. But sometimes, the phone calls of each new thing being denied can get frustrating. Today was one of those days. We knew from the start that his elemental formula for which 100% of his required nutritional intake comes would not be covered, hence the need to start trying to get Medicaid via a disability route. Well, little did I know or prepare for the other denials.

Prior to leaving the hospital, I was contacted by the company that would be delivering his medical supplies once a month. The initial contact was to let us know that insurance denied covering his formula (by the way it is about $370 for a case of 6 cans that will last us about a week), but that insurance would cover the gauze, feeding tube connections, syringes, and of course the "button" replacements. We received most of these items, but had yet to see the syringes that we have to use to deliver the formula through his tube. Today, I found out why: Insurance denied coverage. Why? Because the prescription for his formula said he could take it by mouth or via his tube. Trust me, if he could live off of taking this stuff by mouth, we wouldn't have put him through surgery for the tube.

So I got Mark to explain the situation to the doctor and have them fax a new script to read the feedings were to be only through the tube. Well, that most likely won't work either, but we will wait and see. Why won't the new script work....because now it has nothing to do with the script. The script is now written perfectly, but the clinical notes through the years and currently on Bradley make it clear that he can still eat and drink using his mouth. Since he can still use his mouth without complications such as aspiration, insurance will not cover the syringes to deliver his formula. Yes, you are reading correctly. They approved the surgery, cover the "buttons" (ports), and cover the connecting tube into the button, but not the final pieces required to actually deliver his formula. Yes you infer just what I do, an insurance company would rather a person have a much more serious health issue that I'm sure costs even more to deal with in order to cover things before they want a person who has only a few complications to benefit. You see Bradley can eat food, but his body sees it as a foreign invader. Food hurts his body. In order to allow his body to heal and try to reintroduce foods, we need to go this route, but from an insurance stance they would rather he not be able to eat food at all through normal means.

One of the Mini-One Button Kits. The tubes with the purple ends connect to his button and the larger syringe goes in to deliver his formula. The tubes themselves are replaced a few times a month, but the large syringe is "supposed" to be replaced daily so we were supposed to get a month supply of those wrapped individually. 

There are many times I just want to know what kind of supposed "doctors" or even "nurse practitioners" or "other health care professionals" really are consulted and work for insurance agencies as the letters that will come will surely use in their excuse for denial. I want to meet them personally, have them live my child's life for just a month.

Unfortunately for Bradley, he has what is considered a rare disease. So unlike so many other more common diseases where insurance probably covers things more readily, we have to face a battle each time. Instead of just getting to love and care for Bradley's health needs, we have to spend time dealing the fight just so he can eat. Afterall if you do just the math on his formula alone you can easily see that cost alone for a month can be taxing on the family budget not to include all the doctor visits, medications, and medical supplies. The great thing is knowing that we are not alone in this and there are people and organizations out there to help us along this road. The tough part is knowing that the road ahead is potentially long and what may be approved and covered this year, may or may not continue to be covered depending on any new policies that may come in to play.

So I was thankful that I forgot the milk. I got to get away for just a few moments so I could breathe after the last phone call with denials came at about 5:00. I got to open my mind up so that God could remind me that we are in this together. I just need to keep trusting in him. So I walked the aisles with songs randomly popping in my head to remind me of God's grace and to trust in His timing. To let Him be the focus because I truly believe He has a plan. Bradley is an amazing little boy and I have learned so much from him about faith and about living life. Until word spread about his needing a feeding tube, many people at work would stop me and say to look at him and watch his attitude about life you would never know the battles he faces.

By the time I got back home, I had time to just relax and snuggle with my babies. Then after I got them tucked in to bed, as if God knew I needed to hear his voice once more I received a Facebook message with an offer that I am honored to receive and that I get to spend time in prayer over for the next few days. As I said, God has his plans and God has his timing for things.

So I will drift off to sleep with some songs in my head as I lean into God's arms....

While I do have 2 Cinderellas I get to dance with often, my first is Prince Charming....Bradley is the one who I spent many nights dancing with before the girls came along so....."He spins and he sways to whatever song plays without a care in the world, And I'm sitting here with the weight of the world on my shoulder....."

"Cause I'll be by your side, whenever you fall, in the dead of night, whenever you call. And please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you."

"I am, holding on to you, I am, holding on to you, In the middle of the storm, I am holding on, I am...."

The Little Things

I hastily shoved everything from around the room to the middle of the floor. Legos, trash, clothes, Star Wars figures. You name it, I shoved it.

Then I lined up all the containers so I could quickly toss items into their correct place. I began tossing and the pile got smaller and smaller, but then I stopped.

My hand seemed unable to let go. It was just trash afterall, an empty Kid Clif Bar wrapper that had been hastily tossed aside by an eight year old boy who loved to try sneaking snacks to his room after bedtime. An empty wrapper that may have been tossed aside so he could get back to his game.

For me, it was more than just an empty wrapper. Tears began to well as I realized that as much as I have yelled over the years for Bradley to throw away his wrappers, I will be stopping that practice. I won't have to yell at him to throw his wrappers away because there won't be any wrappers. At least not for quite some time to come.

Isn't it amazing how sometimes the smallest, most insignificant item can bring us to our knees? Can stop us dead in our tracks?

I pray that we all take time to notice the small moments. It is so much easier to focus on the big that sometimes we forget to slow down. Take the time. SLOW DOWN. These moments will be gone before you know it. Take the time to really STOP and NOTICE.

Drink it all in so that when you need it most, God will send to you that faint smell that reminds you of your grandfather. Or maybe the few chords of music that transports you back in time sitting on your bedroom floor listening to the radio. Notice the feel of a loved one's hands or the sound of their voice. Notice the tastes. Let your body absorb it all. Because it is these moments your gonna miss.

Blessings for my Boo

Toby Mac...Toby Mac...Toby Mac. Toby Mac is one of Bradley's favorite bands, but he also loves the music of Laura Story. Specifically he loves the song Blessings. I find this song only fitting for him...."What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near, what if trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise."

So just for my Boo, I am stepping out of my comfort zone. It's been quite a long time (at least 12 years since I really had regular voice warm ups and weekly choir practices) since I have sung for more than just singing along to the radio or to my babies. So you are now warned that the chorus for the video below is extremely pitchy, but after a gazillion takes and a million interruptions with the phone and barking dogs, this is the version you get. Maybe I'll one day hit those notes again the way they should be...and maybe one day I won't be so fearful of an audience on a solo or even on a recording. Also there were some skips...not sure why.

So with a few random pics and a song, here you go my precious Bradley Boo.