But for me, it wasn't so normal. Our life has changed the past 2 weeks, and I will admit that although I wish a feeding tube was not part of our new normal, there have been a few times when I am so busy that I have appreciated not having so many limitations when it comes to planning dinner each evening. Other than avoiding eggs and peanuts, the menu options are different than they've been in a long time. No more cooking similar meals that sometimes meant fixing a dinner specific for Bradley and then everyone else's meal. Sometimes I think God knows our needs and while I don't like being busy all the time, busy is what we've needed. But then he stops us, reminds us that we do need to slow down. We need to take time to feel, take time to heal.
This morning was one of those moments. As I drove past the Hardees like I do pretty much every morning without thought, the tears started to flow. That Hardee's was mine and Bradley's special place a few years ago. I was pregnant with Aubrey and didn't always keep my first breakfast down. Bradley was a vibrant kindergartener who for the first time in years he got to have mommy all to himself on his way to school. So we began a habit that somehow we only did while he was in kindergarten. We would swing through the drive through and I would get a biscuit and gravy meal or one of the meals that included that plus sausage and eggs.
A few minutes later we would park at the far end of his school's parking lot so he could enjoy hash rounds and orange juice; the only safe foods for him from Hardees. Our little secret. I would eat mine once I got to my school/work.
The tears flowed because although we definitely don't have just the two of us in the van on the way to school anymore, we still drive past and who knows, maybe one day I would have stopped to get us all some breakfast. But as of right now, that is not in our foreseeable future.
No rush out the door, just so we can get our secret breakfast.
So when people ask, "Well, how's mom holding up?" shortly after they have asked about Bradley, I often reply fine, but sometimes it depends on the moment. It depends on the moment, because those moments that you aren't even thinking of sneak up on you and you find your cheeks wet as the tears leave a trail down your face.
That's how I think God asks up to live our lives; by the small moments. Sure we will have some great moments in life, but for the most part our lives are made up by the small moments. The small moments when we are just making daily decisions, the small pats on the back for a job done well, even the small moments that cause a tear to fall. Small moments of anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, happiness. You name it. And sometimes, those small moments will lead to big ones.
Think about it: David used a small stone and defeated a giant that the armies could not defeat. Zacchaeus was a man of small stature who took a little more on taxes that he should have, but in a small moment of wanting to see Jesus, just see him, he climbed that sycamore tree. The woman who touched Jesus robe while in the crowd because she had such faith in his healing...a small moment missed initially by so many. The blind man from birth whom the disciples asked whether it was he or his parents who sinned. Jesus took but a small moment to apply mud to his eyes. Mary who chose to stop and take the time to anoint Jesus's feet with perfume. Again, a small moment. There are so many instances of small moments.
So in trusting our God and Savior, I try to notice and appreciate the small moments, but sometimes I need to be reminded to do so. This morning was a simple reminder. A reminder that, yes our lives are changed for the moment. Yes I will have many small moments like this. Yes, it is okay to go through a flurry of emotions. All these reminders to ultimately remind me to keep God as the center of my life. Because you see, just as silently and quickly as this small moment slipped up on me, God whispered and reminded me that He's got this. It's okay to go through the emotions. It's okay to remember the small moments of good times and realize that things are different. It's okay to shed some tears. All this is okay, and He is right there for each and every one of those small moments. Sometimes, we just have to be still just long enough to remember this and then let our faith kick in. Let it rise.
No comments:
Post a Comment