16 and Holding

For some background on Bradley's disease and our journey check out this post: Life Without Food Revisited and Updated

As I sit here staring at the screen, I wonder what words to write. I know that if I just start typing those words will come. They always do. And yes, this is going to be a Bradley post. Some may wonder why I write so much about his disease and what we go through. I do it because for me it makes it that much easier to talk about when I'm asked questions. I also do it for awareness. While much more is known now about Eosinophilic Esophagitis than there was 20-30 years ago, this is still a disease in its infancy. There are patients who are just now having to figure out new doctors to see because they are no longer a pediatric patient, but they have a disease that has mostly been dealt with in the pediatric world. I also do it because I know that there is a purpose, a plan for why Bradley has to endure this terrible disease. God says so many times in the Bible that we are called according to his purpose. That he will be there with us through those trials and that we will come out stronger.

This past month we have hit road block after road block in dealing with this disease. Today came more answers that we didn't want to hear, yet I think all along I've prepared myself for. You see when we first decided to move forward with the feeding tube I had already been preparing myself mentally for the possibility for a couple years. That last scope in December 2013 I knew before we ever made the trip that the results were not going to be what we wanted. I don't know how I knew, I just did. Even then I asked not just for prayers of good results, but for prayers that we would be able to accept whatever the results would be.

Then we started the journey. The life of tube feeding. Because I had prepared myself for the feeding tube, I also had prepared myself for what the future may hold. I held on tightly to the belief that the tube was the answer and that my Boo would get better. And he has. He went from an exhausted little boy who voluntarily stayed in from recess his 2nd grade year to a thriving young man who is now in the 4th grade. He went from almost falling off the charts from being so little as far as weight and height to now being in the 25th percentile. We finally were able to buy him clothes because he grew.

Going into this life of a feeding tube, I knew the possibilities of being on the tube for years to come was very likely. I was ready for what life would throw at us. But then we got to bounce happily along on the journey for 17 months. Unlike cases of children who would be immediately stopped in their tracks with the first food reintroduced, we made it up to 16 foods with successful introduction. And then we hit the road block. I saw it coming with white potato because that one food seemed to do something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. So while it was a blow to find out he is definitely allergic to white potato, it helped prepare me for the scope that I knew was going to be bad for the first time in 17 months. However, I don't think I quite prepared myself for the rest of the results until the past week.

You see when we found out about potato and decided to do bloodwork to check the other foods instead of trial and error, I allowed myself to go back to that point of prayer of "please God, help me to accept what we are about to endure." Some may say I am borrowing troubles from tomorrow right now and maybe I am, but I feel that I am preparing myself for what life ahead will be like.

All the cases I've read about or seen videos on, those kids came to their limit. They knew their number and that the number most likely won't increase. I personally feel we may be entering that zone with Bradley. And to be honest, the results today didn't impact me near as much as the potato results because I think I already knew. I had already started coming around to the idea that we are at a roadblock and we may be here for quite some time. And we are going to learn to live with it and do as we have done since Bradley was a year old....look at the positives because if we focus on the negatives the weight can be unbearable.

Today I received confirmation that he is officially allergic to oats, rice, watermelon, and linseed (flax seed comes from this). The only thing that he may be able to keep is cocoa, but even that I'm going to keep an eye on since it was close to borderline. All those other foods tested in the high range. And yes, I cried for a moment and I'm even a little teary right now. But they are tears of feeling so frustrated for my little boy. Afterall, what parent wants to deny their child food? But I have to if I want my little boy to be healthy.

So here I sit this evening prepared for what is ahead on our journey. Yes, I will be super picky about any food or drink that is found that may be potentially safe and I will scrutinize even the tiniest ingredient. If it's not officially safe and hasn't officially been introduced after a clean scope, then it's going to be a firm, "No Bradley can't have that." Yes, I will pray that his next scopes come back clean and we will take the next steps to see if his number gets to go higher than 16. But I'm also going to be accepting and help Bradley in every way to be accepting as well of whatever the journey ahead holds. Of course, he's been more accepting than me sometimes.

He's a fighter and he's my hero. This is not the way I ever dreamed it would be, but it is our reality.

21 No More

Today as I drove to WalMart it took every bit of strength I still had to reach my destination. It was all I could do to keep on that path because what I really wanted to do was turn my car around. I figured I could reach the beach by 6:30. I could reach peace, Solace. God. I know He all around and with me all the time, but the beach is the place I feel the closest to Him. I was so focused on driving to where I was supposed to go that I actually missed the turn.

Six hours and ten minutes ago I finally got the news I've been waiting for with baited breath for 2 weeks. The same news I was waiting on when I posted 21 Foods and Counting. I finally got the results for Bradley's white potato allergy test followed by the results from the biopsies taken during his endoscopy and colonoscopy. Results that rocked my world yet again.

Sometimes people think that I'm overly protective or worrisome about the foods Bradley eats. I have to be very careful and selective down to the seasonings and oils used to prepare food. As a mom I'm glad I trust what I think is going on. We first introduced white potato back in January/February. He ended up being sick several times around then. Not knowing for sure if it was true illness or a result of adding back white potato, I took it out of Bradley's diet. I was questioned as to why and where my proof was that potato was making him sick. I explained my thinking and said after he gets better we will introduce another food, then if that is tolerated we will try white potato again.

We started white potato again in June (or was it May). The signs were so subtle, easy to miss. But I was concerned so I had his allergist check his allergen levels to white potato. Thinking the results would put me at ease. Either I was just seeing things that weren't there or I was on the right track in thinking something wasn't quite right. Either way we would know.

Today the results came back and we must now go from 21 foods to even less. We know for sure that we have to take the potato out. He is definitely allergic. Highly allergic in fact. His allergy to potato is almost as high as his allergy to egg yolk.

However that wasn't the only news. I also got to read his biopsy results from his scopes. Last October 2014 his scopes were clean. Zero evidence across the board. The time before that, June 2014, counts were 10 or less. Those were the scopes since his feeding tube was placed. Prior to the feeding tube, in December 2013, the scope results showed numbers of eosinophils around 45. June 2013 scopes were the highest to date with 85 as our number. Today it took me over 2 hours to realize. Over 2 hours for it to fully hit me what I had read from the results. The count in his esophagus is OVER 100. The highest ever that we are aware of.

With this result we have to make decisions. Take all new foods away? Blood work? Both? What? You see of those 21 foods we had reached, 6 of them have been added since October. Since his last clean scope of zero. That means potentially taking away all 6 of those foods. As much as he doesn't want it, his allergist is sending me an order for blood work so we can check those other items we've added. We are prepared to back down and only be at 15 foods (remember there are about 5 of those he won't eat so really just 10 foods). Not food groups, families of food, actually individual food items.

With these results we are now in a holding pattern. We cannot add anything new until we figure out what caused the problems this time.

Those are the cold hard facts. The things that we can't change. The card we've been dealt.

As a mom I've written of my feelings on this in the past. And trust me in his short 9 years there have been many. Bradley has been through more medically than many people endure in a lifetime. I would love to say that making the decision to move to a feeding tube in the first place was the hardest to deal with. Not for me. For me I knew that although it didn't seem fair, it was going to help my sweet boy. And it has. No for me, I think the past 2 weeks have hit me the hardest. Tears that fall without warning. Anger at the unfairness of it all. And yet, here is Bradley taking the news so gracefully. His response, "Oh. Okay." Shrugged his shoulders and went right on playing. The same boy who just 2 days ago went and hid in his closest because he was mad his friend didn't come over. He even told me, "You know mom. I get mad about the little things. But not really the big ones."

Oh I don't doubt that he is disappointed, hurting, angry, etc. But for now he is accepting and I'm going to take it. This amazing young man faces most of his days with a strength and courage I can only imagine. His only question, "Hmmmm....I wonder what I can put in my lunchbox for tomorrow. And no I don't want beans."

As his mom I worry. I worry that one day he'll get mad at it all. That he'll choose a path that is harmful to himself. Afterall when you have to watch videos to start each year such as More Than Sad, you can't help but be fearful that it could happen to your child no matter what you do.

As his mom I have my own choices to make. The choice to hide my tears or let them flow freely for him to see. The choice to put it all in God's hands or try to control things by keeping them to myself. The choice to face each day stronger or hide under the covers wishing it all away. The choice to go about seeming to be cheery or let others know what our life is like including how we feel.

So many choices.

I choose to show my faithful human side. I choose to let Bradley know how I feel so that he too can learn to express his feelings. I choose to put it in God's hands because despite the frustrations and set backs, we also have the good days; the blessings. I choose to allow myself moments of hiding under the covers so that I can face each day stronger. Hiding under the covers I can cry it out, get over it, and really let go so God can take care of us. I choose to share about Bradley's life and our experiences. I may never know that impact and I don't need to, but I've been able to talk with others going through similar experiences and offer words of support, a listening ear, and so forth.

So yes, we are 21 No More. Yes I am hurting for my Boo who was devouring french fries faster than they could be made. Yes I am angry that our society revolves around FOOD, FOOD, and more FOOD and so many don't realize how good they have it. I am angry that insurance doesn't understand this disease so we have to fight for coverage (remember out of pocket for Bradley's food (formula) and medical supplies alone cost us almost what I bring home in a month.) I think the lowest of the low doctors, the ones who couldn't cut it in the real world of medicine are the ones being paid by insurance companies to help them with their denials. Yes, I wish I could go and physically force them to live on solely the foods that are safe for Bradley for a week and then to go a week drinking (not through a tube but actually drinking) his formula. I'm sure some changes would take place then.

Yes I am strong and my faith is such that I turn immediately to the Father instead of blaming Him because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13). He has held me in his arms many a night, he is with me wherever I go. These are not just words I say to come off sounding better than others. These are words that I live by. Words I believe in wholeheartedly because I know I can't do this alone. I know and truly believe that these trials have a purpose. A purpose I may never know. A purpose Bradley may never know. In Him I take comfort, I am comforted.

For those of you who don't quite get that. Those who don't understand how that can be possible, then I invite you to start on your lifestory. I invite you to learn more about our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. Seek out someone you feel comfortable talking to that can help you grow. Jesus told us to go forth and make disciples. So there are many out there who are willing to help you embark on this journey that will lead to the ultimate destination. A journey that will give you comfort and allow you to be able to trust in the Father and walk away from devastating news with a strength and courage that can only be found through Him.

I leave you with this. Request for all the prayer warriors to lift up their voices. "For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst." (Matthew 18:20). Prayers for us to hold strongly to our faith. Prayers for us to face each day with courage and strength. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discourage, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9). Prayers for us to accept the path that God has placed before us. The life He has planned for us. Prayers for us to continue to lift up His name and keep turning to Him in our times of praise as well as our times of need.

Life Lessons....From the Ocean

In my quest to do some finishing touches in my kitchen that is almost finished being renovated, I was determined to add some quotes around the room. Above my kitchen door seemed to be the perfect place. I wanted something that would give me hope and courage every time I walk out the door to face the world. I debated scripture, but I also wanted something that involved my place of peace, my place I feel closest to God. The beach.

I kept thinking of the quote, or at least I thought it was a quote until I couldn't find it anyplace I looked, "When life sends you a storm, ride the waves." The closest I could find was about surfing.  I then spent days searching for the perfect quote, but I kept coming back to the one about the storm and waves. After careful thought, I realized I wanted something a little more than that. Afterall, I don't face a storm in my life everyday. I began playing around with words and I finally came up with:
               "Sit upon the shore
                   Stir the ocean
                       Ride the waves"

But what does this have to do with life lessons or even my desire for something above my door to remind me how to take on each day? How does this remind me to keep God front and center?

SIT UPON THE SHORE...
There are times in life when we must sit still. When I think of sitting on the shore, I think of observing life around me. I think of quiet. Of slowing down. Of taking time to really listen. Of simply being in awe of the masterpiece stretched out before me created by our Heavenly Father. And as of late, of writing my cares and worries in the sand as a way of handing it all to God knowing that the waves will come and wash the words away just like God helps to ease our troubles, our minds, when we have the faith to let go and trust in Him. This line is my reminder that sometimes I need to keep my mouth shut, observe what is around me, listen, and to turn it all over to God.

STIR THE OCEAN...

Just like there are times in life that we must be still, there are also times when we must stir things up. We can't just be complacent and always accept things as they are. Sometimes we must fight for what we believe in. Sometimes we have to be the voice of change. And yes, even though it may be hard to do, we may have to step out on that limb and do what Jesus said. We have to "Go forth and make disciples." That may not sound like stirring the ocean, but when was the last time you shared your testimony with others, got into the really deep conversations with someone about their faith, helped them to come to know Christ? It's not as easy as it may sound. Although some people seem to do this effortlessly.

  

RIDE THE WAVES...

And then we come to to the last line. Ride the waves. This is my reminder that life is not always going to be easy. Sometimes the waters are going to be calm and the sailing will be smooth. Other times the storms will rage, the waves will crash, the current will take you under. No matter what the weather and how gentle or rough the waves are, you must learn to ride them. My favorite verse is Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. To ride the waves it to realize that God is going to take care of us, he has called each of us according to his purpose. When we fight against the waves we are left getting no where, exhausted, and ready to give up at times. When we learn to ride the waves, we can end up arriving at an amazing destination that we never even dreamed possible.

One final note...
We have to learn to do each of these things and know when we should sit, when we should stir, and when we should ride.

21 Foods and Counting

17 months ago (March 2014)

It's been 17 months since we took almost all food away from Bradley. That was March 2014. We allowed a small list of 10 foods, plus tea, sugar, pepper, and salt. Four months later, in July, we received great news....his esophagus and colon showed very little sign of his disease rearing its ugly head. He was healing and that also meant we got to add more food. Seven months later, in October, we got the best news ever....absolutely no eosinophils showed in his biopsies. I couldn't believe my eyes, but when his doctor confirmed it with a phone call it finally started to sink in. So yes, we got to add even more foods.

Only this time we were looking at a whole new section of the plan his dietitian came up with before we started down the road of tube feeding with a specialized formula. This time there were foods that Bradley has tested allergic to in the past. This time food introduction was going to be much slower (my preference). We didn't want any set backs since things were going so well and Bradley was making so many improvements and finally gaining weight. He was becoming your typical, energetic little boy.

So take it slow we did. So slow in fact that it took another 9 months before he had another set of scopes. We stayed safe and if anything seemed to react with him at all (even if we couldn't be sure if he just had a cold) we would avoid the food, allow time to pass, and then try something else. My concerns during that time about the possible foods to introduce were shared with Bradley's allergist and she felt the same as I did about going slow because we would be entering territory that may not be safe. There was hope to add in a meat after those October scopes. But that was one of the foods I was very unsure of introducing. 

You would think I would want to jump on getting meat added back because once that is done we can start using less of the formula. But Bradley has tested allergic to chicken, beef, and pork in the past. After some months of thinking (8 months to be exact), it hit me. Ask about seafood items...fish, shellfish, etc. Usually those are among the top food allergens, but in the past Bradley never skin tested positive for them. So the allergist and I discussed the idea and we went for it. Bradley was skin tested and had bloodwork done to check for an allergy to seafood and chicken. Fingers crossed. If the results came back fine and his scopes were still clean, then we would slowly get to add something from the list. 

Today we got the results back on most of the foods we tested. Results that we weren't quite expecting. He is least allergic to fish on the list of items we tested for and still very highly allergic to milk and egg. But even with low numbers for some of the items, an allergy is an allergy. He won't be able to have those items. Kinda makes me wish we had tested beef and pork just to see. 

So I sit here today. Crying every once in a while because no matter how much you prepare for results you don't want. Sometimes the results just hit wrong and you can't help but feel a little defeated. We are still waiting on the results of his scopes from last Thursday. Praying the news isn't another blow, but prepared in case it is. If eosinophils are present, then we will have to take foods away again. It will be guess work. If they are not present and we get a zero count like we did last October, then we will get to figure out another food to introduce. 

We are so thankful that he can have all he is allowed to have. There are so many with Eosinophilic Esophagitis who have no safe foods or less than a handful of safe foods. So right now we sit at 21 foods, tea, and some seasonings. Of those 21 there are several he won't even eat. Also, the foods cannot be prepared the way you typically would prepare them. Only with the seasonings and oils I list.

**Eosinophilic esophagitis (EoE) is an allergic inflammatory disease. Eosinophils are a type of white blood cell and they shouldn't be in the esophagus. Bradley has them there and in the colon. Basically, Bradley's own body attacks itself, it sees food as a foreign invader that should not be there. This attack causes many troublesome symptoms as well as damage to the esophagus and colon in Bradley. His feeding tube and taking away foods has allowed his body to heal. 

Bradley's Food List as of August 2015

• Lettuce**
• Broccoli**
• Green Beans**
• Squash**
• Carrots**
• Sweet Potato
• Pear
• Plum
• Apricot
• Peach
• Blueberries
• Strawberries
• Black beans
• Black Eyed Peas
• Pinto Beans

**Indicates foods he won't eat.

Items that may or may not stay on the list

• Rice
• White potato
• Watermelon
• Cocoa
• Flax seed
• Oats

Drinks, seasonings, and oils

• Tea
• Sugar
• Brown sugar
• Salt
• Pepper
• Garlic
• Olive oil
• Cinnamon flavoring oil
• Peppermint flavoring oil

Mamaw Pilkenton

Below is what I wrote and then spoke at my Mamaw Pilkenton's funeral on Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Mamaw Pilkenton (Arlenia Rose Pilkenton)

By: Brandi Cade

Many of you may be wondering why I’m the one speaking today. As a matter of fact, you may be thinking just because I’m the oldest grandchild, I wasn’t here on a day to day basis like some of you so I don’t have a right. But I’m here and I’m speaking. I’m speaking today in celebration of life. You see love knows no limits, no boundaries. Memories are made whether you are with someone all the time or occasionally. I stand before you today to share a story; a story of a life that touched each and every one of us sitting in this room.

Hans Christian Anderson once said, “A human life is a story told by God.” The Bible reminds us in Psalm 107:2 “Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story---those he redeemed from the hand of the foe.”

There is no way for me to know the entire story. As a matter of fact there are many details to this story, this life, that I can’t possibly know because those details are carried inside each and every one of you. They are locked away inside your own memories for you to relive in your times of need.

Let us pray….

Lord, we come to you today in celebration of a life. The life of Arlenia Rose Pilkenton. While we are crying earthly tears of sorrow, help us to feel your comforting arms around us. Lord, I ask that you be with me as I share the story I know of my Mamaw’s life and that you open up each and every heart and mind this evening to the parts of the story they know. To their own special memories that may have been locked away waiting for the right moment to resurface so that we may realize that although Mamaw’s earthly body is being laid to rest, she is still here among us by the way she touched each of our lives.

In your Son’s precious name we pray, AMEN.

I can’t even begin to imagine what life was like for Mamaw, but it’s those details that made her the person she was. From losing her mom at such a young age to living with numerous brothers and sisters. From raising 5 amazing children to mourning the loss of those she never really got to know and mother.

You see I don’t own any of those memories, but many of you do. I invite you to close your eyes, take a deep breath, and remember. Remember the sister you grew up loving and maybe even disliking at times. Remember the mother, aunt, or friend you know and love.

Now hear the part of the story that I know. I’m sure many of you will share similar memories. As you listen and remember, know that it’s okay to smile, laugh, and yes, even cry. You see Mamaw would want us to sit here and celebrate her life knowing she’s no longer in pain, knowing that she is rejoicing in her new heavenly body with the spirit we all know and love.

Picture it, a grandmother , you know the one who spoils kids rotten, bakes cookies, and is your typical storybook grandma….now erase all that because Mamaw was NOT your typical storybook grandma.

Instead of spoiled grandchildren, ah, who am I kidding we were all spoiled and loved, but we also had rules to follow. We toed the line ‘cause if we didn’t, she threatened to “Bust our hind ends.” Oh sure some grands crossed the line, but we all had a respect for Mamaw’s rules. And if you were caught doing something, “Busted.” Mamaw also expected her kids to follow rules even though they were grown, married, and out of her house. The grands loved to rile her up by sharing that their dad said a cuss word. Oh how we’d giggle about the fact that she was going to ‘bust their hind ends.’

I would love to be able to share of a time when I got in trouble, but I toed the line and was usually just in during the summer and a short time around Christmas.

But here’s what I do remember…FOOD! I loved seeing those large orange Tupperware containers come out of the pantry. It meant biscuits. It also meant I got to climb up on the barstool and help cut them out with a glass. She would coat the counter with flour, roll out the dough, sprinkle more flour on top, and we would cut. As the glass pressed in, puffs of flour would rise in the air. The best breakfast food was soon to follow----- sausage gravy, scrambled eggs, and biscuits. No one makes biscuits quite like Mamaw’s.

And let’s not forget about green beans while I’m talking about food. She never could quite understand how you could eat, let alone like, green beans from a can bought at a store (you know who you are). I never did get to learn the canning side, but I loved to help her snap those beans. Anytime I snap beans now, I’m taken back to sitting in her house with her. Good memories.

And for some grands there’s her pumpkin pie. She had a few grandsons who would fight over her pies. It got so bad that she started making a pie for each of them. And try as they might, no other person could replicate those pumpkin pies….even using her exact same recipe, exact same brand of ingredients.

Close your eyes and picture the foods that remind you of her. Breathe in and take a moment to savor the scent, enjoy the taste.

You remember how I said to erase that typical grandma image from your mind---well, I meant it. A storybook grandma is usually old and maybe a little boring. Not Mamaw.

Nap times at her place were magical. Back then I loved when we would snuggle up on her bed and she would tell stories. Stories of wolves, the boogeyman, the sandman. I don’t recall if I ever fell asleep during those times, but I do recall she was a great story teller because I believed her.

If she still had the house she lived in when I was little, I doubt I would go into that basement even today. To make sure we grandkids wouldn’t go near the basement door and try to go down there, she had us believing the boogeyman lived down there. I can remember playing outside and we would dare each other to try to look into the basement windows to catch a glimpse. Can’t say we ever got close too many times, but if we did we convinced the others we saw the boogeyman.

Sleepovers at her house were always the best. You see, typical grandmas would sleep on their own beds but not Mamaw. Depending on how many slept over, there might be people sleeping all over the living room and foyer. She would set up that huge sofa bed and lay out foam pads all over the floor. And she would sleep right down there with us.

On those occasions we would also sing and dance through the house. She would even let me have a friend sleep over because for the longest time there were mostly boy grandchildren. We would have on MTV or VH1…for those who don’t know, those stations really used to play music videos almost all day. I still recall dancing through her house to “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” over and over. A song I still dance to today.

Let’s not forget about the evenings though. We grandkids would spend hours chasing lightning bugs and she was right out there with us. She even brought out a canning jar with a lid with holes in the top to capture them in.

And there was also june bugs---catching those things, tying a string to one of its legs, and letting it fly.

Man those were fun times.

I hope one day my own grands will be able to hold such memories as those.

Mamaw also enjoyed crocheting. She taught me how one summer and thanks to technology….Google and YouTube…I’ve been able to relearn. Everytime I see a crocheted blanket or doll, I always think of her. A crocheted blanket almost always graced the back of a couch or bed in her home. I’m sure that she taught many of you something that you can hang on to in your memories as well. Take a moment to think. What did she teach you? What did you learn from her?

And then there’s family. I don’t know who all’s houses she took me too, but I remember it was fun. As a kid I had no clue what the grownups were up to because there was always a slew of cousins and other kids to play with during those visits. After I was grown I got to sit in with the grownups and let me tell you, they were a hoot. No wonder they didn’t let the kids in on their conversations. To watch Mamaw and her sisters carrying on, joking and picking on each other, reminiscing about the good ole days. That was a treat. I swear I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard as when I would sit in with them. I bet she’s up in Heaven now laughing, carrying on, and having a good ole time. And we should too.

Family was important to her….how could it not be given that she raised a large one and came from one that was even larger? She would want each of us to carry on as family should. Sure, she may have been the matriarch, the one whose home was where everyone gathered, but now she’s gone. And despite that fact, we can still carry on. She would want us to still get together, visit, and find time to slow things down a bit in this fast paced world.

As I near the end of the story (or rather walk down memory lane) that I know, I want us all to remember that above all, she was a Christian. I loved when I spent the night on a Saturday because that meant I got to see her get ready for church the next morning. As a young child I was fascinated by her shoes….maybe it was because they were heels and all other days she wore flat shoes. Or maybe it was the dresses.

At church she mostly sat with us grandchildren, but there were some times she would sing with the choir. Now those are precious memories. Unless you’ve lived any large amount of time away from here you may not realize that the church singing in these parts is very distinct---that sweet Appalachian sound. I still find myself singing and humming lines from some of the songs she sang….

…..from having a little talk with Jesus

….to no tears in Heaven faire, no tears, no tears up there. Sorrow and pain will all have flown….

And so many more. Mamaw put her trust in the Lord and that part of her life, that part of her story has touched many whether she knew it or not.

Jenna Pilkenton, one of her great granddaughters will now sing:

          Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true

With Thanksgiving, I’ll be a living sanctuary for you.

I exalt thee, I exalt thee, I exalt thee, Oh, Lord

I exalt thee, I exalt thee, I exalt thee, Oh, Lord

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true

With Thanksgiving, I’ll be a living sanctuary for you.

This is only part of Mamaw’s story, part of her life. I hope that as I spoke you were able to recall some of your own personal memories that are part of her story as well. As you get together over the next few days, weeks, months, and years I ask that you share your stories of her with each other. Mamaw was a spirited lady who spoke her mind, loved her family, and would want nothing more than for us to love unconditionally and keep on living.

           I love and miss you Mamaw, but your memory remains alive and well.

Now….Scat Tom, get your tail out the gravy.

Resolution Post #1: Who I Am

It's no surprise that the first section in the first part of the book The Resolution for Women would be about being in a hurry.

Around this time of year I find myself telling others, "I'm already living in next  year." That's because for me when school is winding down, I am gearing up for the changes to make for next year so that it will be even better. So many people start thinking of making resolutions and changes towards the end of December with good intentions to put them in place starting in January.

Having only lived a life of school, my year always runs August to July. August is the time for new beginnings, March through June is the time for planning for those new beginnings, and June through July are either getting recharged to get started up again or actually doing things to prepare for getting started in August.

But in starting to live in the next school year months before it is here, I find that I am missing out on opportunities. Missing out on life. Instead of being content and living in the moment of here and now and trusting God, I end up rushing through. In my work life it becomes "Oh, well it's too late to fix ______ this year so I won't do anything, but next year I will ________".

It is the same rush, but instead of my work it happens with my children and even my husband. At home it becomes "let me just make it a few more weeks, then we can ___________." On a daily basis thoughts of just making it to bedtime so I can have some quiet wind down time or "I can't wait until ___________ stops doing _______" or "I can't wait until ____________ can do ___________ on their own" plagued my thoughts.

Financially I'm living even further down the road to the times of no more daycare bill that will just so happen to coincide with a couple of loans being paid in full. The talk then becomes, "In _____ we will be doing better and can finally do _______." or  "If we can just make it to _______, then we can finally fix/replace/do something about ___________."

How many times am I so busy looking for the next best thing that I fail to realize the goodness taking place right now? How many times do I fail to see what is going on right in front of me and learn to be content with the here and now?

You see I'm always rushing to the next thing either because I have convinced myself that I'll be happier in the new school year because I'm going to change something or because I've convinced myself that our money troubles will be over. Although I know deep down that is not the case. There will be something new to come around to cause me angst over my job or over finances. 

But God doesn't want us living like this. In fact he is very clear about contentment. In 1 Timothy 6:6 it states, "True godliness with contentment is itself great wealth." Later in 1 Timothy 6:8 "If we have food and clothing, with these we shall be content (satisfied)." In Hebrews 13:5 it states, "Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, 'I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you." 

You see God wants us to be satisfied with what we have and to trust that He is always there for us. We shouldn't be running to get to the next best thing with the assumption it will help us to be happier and more satisfied with our life. So if we shouldn't be rushing to the next thing and should be content with what we have right now, then we need to take the time to do this. 

My biggest challenge this week is the fact that I'm not looking forward to camping. As a matter of fact as I think of ways to focus on being in the moment and being satisfied and noticing the good parts around me so I can enjoy what is going on in my life, I realize this is one of the things I will have to be very open too. As much as I want to wish the time away, if I do so I will miss out on opportunities to see my girls experience their first camping trip. I will miss out on the joy and fun of the activities Tori will participate in with her fellow Daisies and soon to be fellow Brownies. But God calls me to be content with what I have. As I strive to do differently by trying to be more in the moment, I must face this weekend head on with a focus on being in the moment. 

What is it you are hurrying through or hurrying to get to? Have you missed some good experiences because you were too busy rushing through? Especially rushing through difficult times, did you see the good in the bad? What can you do differently to help you focus on all the good things and enjoy life? 

**Questions adapted from p. 16 of The Resolution for Women

Policies....help or frustration

"Mommy, are you going to send in cupcakes for my class too?" inquired 6 year old Tori.

"No, baby. You're school won't let me send in homemade cupcakes like this for your whole class, but I will send you a cupcake just for you in your lunchbox." I informed her as head began to drop because I had said no. You see, she only wants to be like her classmates whose parents send in cupcakes for parties or for birthdays.

As a mom of two children with food allergies I get attempts by schools to protect children from unknown allergens that could be in homemade goodies. Afterall, that makes the most sense right?

Sadly, and frustratingly, policies such as these only highlight the problem and make my children feel that much different from their peers. You see all those prepackaged items contain all those allergens the policy is "protecting" my child from. Bakery cakes will definitely contain eggs and milk (and yes, probably traces of peanuts). Little Debbie snack cakes all have egg (if there is one that doesn't, then I would love to know which one). Pre-made Rice Krispie treats contain milk. Prepackaged donuts contain eggs. Marshmallows are made with corn syrup. The list could go on and on. So in the end unless the parent knows of any special food items being had ahead of time, the food allergic child gets excluded. If it is known and the parent can send in a comparable item, the child is still different because the food items in front of them are not the same.

You say that shouldn't be a problem. I agree to an extent. There are many things my babies have learned that many of your children haven't yet....it's okay to be different, food isn't the center of the world, sometimes you have to sit out/not be part of certain activities for safety reasons, how to read food labels, and sadly, they've learned how to paint on a smile while inside they are crying. Crying because even though they are mostly okay with being different, it is still part of human nature to want to just blend in, be part of the crowd every once in a while.

Although I know it would cause a major outcry, and yes, even end up on the news in the society we currently live in. Chances are it would also put my children in danger of being further excluded. I would much prefer to see a policy excluding any foods from being brought in. You want to "party" or celebrate holidays....do it WITHOUT food. Plain and simple. Party favors seem to be extremely popular, bring those in for all students in the class instead of a cupcake. Holiday celebrations...make some crafts.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE making special food items for my children and I will continue to do so for as long as I need to.

What I don't love is having to disappoint my child because sometimes it gets overwhelming to be different. There are so many things they've had to be mature about at such an early age, that I don't blame them for every once in a while expressing their disappointment with a head hung low and a quiet "okay".

Where is God?

As I read and prepare for leading a group at church each week, I learn so much and discover all sorts of questions to really get us thinking.

One challenge I've read about recently is to ask everyone to really pay attention to when they have seen God during week. The idea is to start your sessions with a focus on where you have seen God instead of simply talking about how our week has been. If we are to really, truly put God first, shouldn't that be who we talk about seeing from the past week.

In preparing for tomorrow nights session and thinking to myself about where I personally have seen God at work for the past week, I am simply blown away at where I've seen him at work in just the past seven hours.

Years ago I would have to take Bradley in for blood work once in a while at Lab Corp. Amazingly the same ladies are still working there although I doubt they remember Bradley from all those years ago. Recently, because of being placed on methotrexate, Bradley has started getting regular blood work done because we have to keep an eye on certain counts. Two weeks ago we got started and boy was it hard. The ladies there were absolutely patient and wonderful with us as he ran a few times.

Today, was one of those days that I wasn't quite able to put on my shield of armor to do the tough mom job. It was hard to keep from getting misty eyed. Partly because it gets hard at time to keep doing what has to be done and partly because I knew God was at work. He has given us some wonderfully patient ladies to see every two weeks for this blood work. If they ever thought in the back of their minds, "Oh no, here he is again." they never let on. As Bradley ran the second time today and we waited for him to return from the bathroom where he had gone to, I profusely thanked the ladies as I'm quite sure they are probably not thanked enough. Trust me I know of at least one patient and her friend sitting in the lobby at that very moment that had done nothing but complain about the ladies who were working.

Tonight I was once again able to see God at work. I won't lie, I didn't really want to go to the school talent show. I just wanted an evening off. But at 6:30 I found myself seated in the 4th row with Bradley ready for the show to begin. There was a variety of talent, but where God's light was shining was through the choices of songs the students performed to. I am blessed beyond measure to work in a district and a school where prayer is still said and we don't let the mention of God in a program throw us into a tizzy. So tonight mixed in with Shakira, Celine Dion, High School Musical songs, Justin Beiber and many others we got to hear vocal performances and enjoy interpretive dance to the likes of Break Every Chain, Jesus Take the Wheel, Shout to the Lord, God's Got It, and many many more.

It is yet again through the children. They do not fear sharing the Lord out in public and it was proven once again tonight as each one got up to perform and in their own way share about God. So what keeps stopping us as adults from following Jesus command to us to follow him and go out and make disciples? Be fishers of men?

My challenge to myself and to anyone reading this: Stop, reflect, where have you seen God at work in the past hour? Day? Week? He's there we just have to open our eyes and ears.

A Family Affair

When your child has food allergies, it becomes a family affair. When two of your children have food allergies, it becomes a family affair. When one of those children gets put on a feeding tube because of so many food allergies and a rare disease called eosinophilic esophagitis, it continues to be a family affair.

As a mom of two children with multiple food allergies and one child without those allergies, you begin to realize just how much our society revolves around food. Birthday party...food. Class earned a reward for good behavior...food. Holiday....food. Anniversary...food. Get together....food. It is actually very difficult to think of events that don't revolve or include some sort of food.

As a mom of these same children, you want them to feel as much a part of society and the family as any other person so you do what you have to do. You Google recipes, use Pinterest to save your favorites under each child's name because of course they can't have the same allergies, you learn what makes the best substitute for eggs in pancakes and in cakes (trust me, applesauce for the pancakes, flax meal for the cakes), and you try your best to keep up with all the special "treats" that will be given at functions or at school.

But you also learn that you can't kill yourself to make an entire batch of cupcakes just for one cupcake so your child can maybe fit in just in case another child's parent send cupcakes to school for a birthday. You soon teach your children about getting the special foods on really special occasions such as planned for whole class/whole school parties or special parties they are specifically invited to. You teach them how to have fun Trick-0-Treating and then trade out the unsafe candy for safe candy because when you picked up some candy to give out you bought an extra bag of trade out candy just for your kids.

Mealtimes equal no option but to include your children's dietary needs because they really do have a medical problem with food....they are not just picky eaters. Trust me, I made that mistake for an entire year. Bradley is most definitely not a picky eater. His body really did cause him to gag on foods and spit it out/throw it up. But we didn't know that for a year because we thought he was being a "picky eater" with the foods we thought were safe. Who knew you could actually be allergic to chicken, beef, and pork? So yes, once we learned of his disease, we started listening to him more when he started to refuse certain foods. Sure enough, the next allergist visit, those same foods he threw a fit about, he ended up testing positive to for an allergy to that food. So meals are definitely a family affair and saying you have to eat something because I said so didn't always work.

Of course meal times and other food focused gatherings are more than just a family affair. Sometimes, they are a societal affair. You see, as a mom, you learn to find foods that are safe for eating out and you learn how to bring what is needed to restaurants while putting on your suit of armor ready for battle if any worker gives you a hard time for bringing in food from the outside. But what others outside the family don't know is that you still enjoy being invited out because you know how to take care of your family needs. Sure it is a little harder when your tube fed child knows exactly what he is missing out on, but it is still fun to go out. So don't stop asking.

Of course, we've been blessed by parents and grandparents of Bradley's friends so these societal outings are a little easier and even make me cry at times. These are parents who ask for a list of his safe foods so they can have some on hand at a party and then get me to double check the items. They are also the same parents who still include Bradley in on their outings and learn how to feed Bradley through his tube so he can be a normal little boy taking on the world with his friends.

We haven't entered this stage in life for Tori just yet.

But back to the family affair, eating is still a family affair even with a tube fed child. With Bradley he has to be fed about every three hours, much like you would feed a new born so schedules do somewhat revolve around this schedule. And it is so much a family affair at our house that even at 2 years old our youngest daughter learned how to feed her brother.  For her, it is only normal for brother to eat through a tube. Check her out in the video below.

Just because your child has some special needs doesn't mean you quit including them. As a matter of fact, it may just bring you closer together.

Who Needs Cake?

A year ago we celebrated Bradley's 8th birthday knowing that it was the last birthday cake for a long time. Our lives were about to take a drastic turn....

A year later, we all gathered together again to celebrate his 9th birthday. And boy do we have a lot to celebrate. From the drastic life change of Bradley going on a feeding tube and having almost every food taken away to having an amazing year of health and healing. He gained 9 pounds in the year and grew 2 inches. Something he hasn't done since he was a baby.

But cake is still not on the list of foods. So what do you do to celebrate a birthday?

You make homemade ice cream using a small spring pan and add a few candles. It may not seem like much, but when it turns into an ice cream party for all, you get a celebration where the birthday boy isn't left out.

Check out that face! Loving his chocolate ice cream with blueberries, pure chocolate syrup, and Enjoy Life Foods chocolate chunks.

Through the years, I've had to get creative on the foods I make for my children. From learning how to make eggless cakes that are tasty, moist, and don't fall apart to learning how to make lollipops and hard candy without corn syrup to homemade marshmallows without the corn syrup to homemade ice cream made from rice milk. The internet has been my friend in finding recipes, but even then it takes some know how in the kitchen to adjust even the recipes found online.

Thankful God gave me the ability to cook and for all the blessings of this past year.

Bradley Safe Ice Cream Recipe:
~about a cup of sugar
~3 cups rice milk
~dash of vanilla
~1-2 tbsp flax meal
and then flavor it.....
Strawberry.....add fresh strawberries until it looks about right
Blueberry......add fresh blueberries until it looks about right
Cherries........add fresh pitted cherries until it looks about right
Chocolate.....2-3 tbsp cocoa

Blend everything together in a blender. Taste, you want it to be super sweet because it will lose some sweetness in the freezing process. Pour in to a bowl and place in the freezer. Stir every 30-45 minutes. Takes about 3 hours.

Life Without Food...Revisited and Updated

It's been a year since the decision was made for Bradley to be put on a feeding tube for majority of his nutritional needs. I've posted off and on about our journey, but feel it is time to do an update. Feeding Tube Awareness week is coming up soon: February 8-14 as well as Rare Disease Day: February 28.

Here is where we were one year ago on January 21, 2014: Life Without Food

As we neared surgery to have the feeding tube placed, Bradley's health continued to decline. Here is a post from February 24, 2014 Rest

A few days later, a discussion about being a special needs child came up. Mommy, Am I Special Needs?

Then realizations start to hit as you realize other parts of life that will change. The Little Things and The Moments Sneak Up on You

It has now been a little over 10 months since the tube was placed and what an amazing journey it has been. At the end of this post is a slideshow of pictures and I still stare in awe at the change. I knew my baby was sick a year ago and we had to do more than what we were doing, but to see the picture evidence speaks volumes.

Once the tube was placed Bradley was only allowed the following foods: lettuce, green beans, carrots, squash, sweet potatoes, pears, plums, apricots, and peaches. All of these foods plain or with only salt/pepper. And we threw in some sweet tea. Needless to say there are lots of adults who don't like those foods, let alone an 8 year old boy. Thankfully we were able to find pure forms of juice made from the fruits he could have, so we froze them as popsicles. We also found a few sweet potato chips that were safe. You never realize just how many "extra" ingredients are in the things we consume until you have to really pay attention.

With the formula he wasn't improving a lot at first, but once we figured out the correct amount of calories and servings to keep him full, he began making the gains we were hoping to see. June brought on a new set of scopes....for the first time ever, his biopsy counts were in the teens. We got to add more foods to his diet. Still not enough to abandon his formula, but we were heading in the right direction.

We added beans (black beans, black eyed peas, kidney beans, pinto beans). Again, all cooked plain, basically with water and salt. But this opened up new doors as we found chips made from beans that were safe as well.

Once those were seeming to do okay, we got to add in berries (strawberries, blueberries, and cherries).

The next scopes weren't scheduled until December...it was going to be a LONG wait. But one day out of the blue we got a call asking if we could have Bradley down for scopes in two weeks. So the week before Halloween, I took off to MUSC with him for his next scopes. I anxiously waited for the results the next week. They came up on the health chart online before his doctor called, but there wasn't an ananlysis so I thought maybe I was reading the results wrong. Surely those zeros meant something else. WRONG....those zeros meant exactly what we were praying for. No eosinophils were present in his esophagus or his colon. Praise GOD! Taking away almost all foods and allowing his sole source of nutrition be an elemental formula was working!!!! New foods are on the way.

The great news: Bradley's body is healing, more foods can be added (one at a time, very slowly), he is getting a chance to be a "normal" boy, he has energy, and so on. The scary news: we were entering the territory that includes foods he has tested positive to in the past. A slow process of adding foods back just go slower. But we are in this for the long haul and are excited for the results.

So we added in rice. Talk about opening up a world of possibilities. With rice there is rice milk, plain rice cakes, rice chips, rice cereal, etc. New items on the menu include: smoothies made with ingredients safe to him, homemade rice milk ice cream, and so much more.

Bradley still has a long way to go. Elemental formula remains his primary source of nutrition. Since his eczema still isn't under control, he started being treated with methotrexate. This treatment requires routine bloodwork that he doesn't look forward to. And he remains on multiple medications for allergies, eczema, asthma, and Eosinophilic Esophagitis.

On the parenting side of things, we battle insurance every few months because even though he is meeting the goals of gaining weight and having lower counts on his biopsies, these are results of being treated correctly. He needs to continue the treatment for it to continue to work. We remain in a constant routine of feedings every 3-4 hours. We focus on the positives because if we look at the negatives, it becomes overwhelming.

His sisters for the most part are really involved with him as well. His youngest sister, Aubrey, is 2 and she knows all about how to feed bubby through his tube. His other sister, Tori, is 6 and accepts it all but also fights the feelings of frustration that come along with feeling that it just isn't fair that he has to eat this way.

I just want to raise more awareness of both the disease and the fact that feeding tubes don't have to be some foreign thing that should be done away from others.

Meet Bradley:

Here I Go Again.

·        Here I go again...stepping out into the unknown, getting out of my comfort zone. Or am I? Afterall, I teach everyday. I work with other adults and facilitate learning everyday. But this, this is different. Since I got that email a little over a year ago to become part of the i-reach team which basically is a team focused on Evangelism, I have been stepping into unknown territory or at least somewhat uncomfortable territory. 

You see I like to know exactly what I'm doing, when I'm doing it. I like there to be a plan and I like to know as much as I possibly can. But when it comes to evangelism and discipleship, I am not as well versed. But God has plans for me and has placed me on a path that I am walking down blindly. You know what though? He is right there with me the entire way. When I stepped out and up a few months ago and led a small group study on telling your story, there were nights when I had well versed plans for the evening and we didn't do not one thing in the plan. There were other nights when I had no plan until right at that moment and it turned out to be exactly what God needed it to be. Kind of reminds me of the reason why TobyMac wrote the song Steal my Show. You see I am walking blindly into areas I've never known, but God has this. He's right there with me as long as I rely on Him to "steal my show". 

     So what did I get myself into? While sitting at church council meeting a gentleman mentioned something about needing teachers for new classes and then specifically hinted to me using my name. After some prayer and knowing that not only am I part of the church's new evangelism team, but the chairperson, I sent in a description for a group to learn about evangelism and discipleship. Two very scary words to Christians, right? 

     Yes, but they are so important if we are to be true followers of Christ. 

   
Jesus not only called each and everyone one of us to follow Him, but he also charged us with going out to make disciples of all nations. 

   
He didn't say, "Okay, everyone who is a pastor, here is your job. Now everyone else, just sit back and just believe in me." 

  

      No, He expects everyday people like you and me to go out and spread the good news, share our stories, and lead others to Him. He expects us to continue to grow in our own faith.

But what does all that really mean? Where do I start? What if people laugh at me? Reject me? Quit liking me? Judge me? Ask me questions I don't have answers to?

     I don't have all the answers to the questions. I don't even have all the questions, but here is what I do know: 

•      It means, you can't just accept Christ as your Savior and repent of your sins, you've got to do something.
•      You must start somewhere (and I'm going to try to help)
•      And all those other questions have a theme....a central word: ME. Guess what! It's not about ME. Me is selfish and we are not called to be selfish and only look out for ourselves. Instead we must realize it is expected of us to share the love of Jesus Christ with everyone. We are expected to plant the seeds of his word, his works. You have to ask yourself how much you have to hate someone to not share about Jesus. Think of it this way, if you are driving down the road and go around a curve where a tree had just fallen. Would you stop your car and warn the drivers coming from the other direction before their car goes crashing into that tree or flying over the cliff to avoid the tree or do you just stand there and watch as the cars drive towards imminent doom?

      So here I am, once again diving in because that is apparently what I'm getting good at. And while I won't post nightly like I did for telling your story, I will post regularly to get you thinking. Some of this will come from the UMC Director of Evangelism Ministries: Rev. Heather Heinzman Lear. Others will come from various readings and workshops I attend and still others may grow out of questions that are raised in small group studies. 

     

      I hope you will join me as I begin yet another journey in my life story.

      Let's get started by asking ourselves a few questions: 

•    When people ask you to tell them about yourself, what’s the first thing you usually share?
• What are the things that most define you: your family, locale, education, career, possessions?
•  Where you place “Child of God” on that list?
•  Are there priorities in your life that keep you from claiming the primary identity given to you at baptism?
•   What are you so busy “storing up” that you lose focus on God?

     For me, it depends on where I am, who I'm with. When I talk about myself I usually mention my job and my family. Rarely do I mention that I'm a Christian or share where I attend church. My life centers on my family, career, and church, but my conversations with others don't always reflect that. As for "Child of God", it is so easy to place that first on my list in my head and even on bio pages for things like Twitter, but in conversation, it doesn't typically come up. So I must ask myself, why is that? How can I change that?

     So what am I so busy "storing up"? What causes me to lose my focus on God? Work. Family to a small degree, but mostly work. It is so easy to lose focus on God while working because I get so frustrated about things I can't change, things I can't control, things that simply are not fair, and on and on and on. This is an area that I know needs the most work because I can lose my focus quickest there. 

      The great thing though is that we have this AWESOME God who is there with us every step of the way. You might ask how I know this? I know this because He has been there throughout my lifestory. I can find very specific times in my life where He is right there and because of my faith, I know that He is even there when I can't "see" him. My faith also gives me the strength to keep stepping out onto the unknown path to follow God where He is leading. 

      Check out what is says about faith in Hebrews 11: 

Faith in Action1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.4 By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.5 By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.”[a] For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.7 By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9 By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she[b]considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12 And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.
13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance,admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one.Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a cityfor them.17 By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18 even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.”[c] 19 Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death.20 By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future.21 By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff.22 By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his bones.23 By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. 27 By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and the application of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.
29 By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days.31 By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.[d]32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak,Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames,and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength;and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins,destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

All these examples of faith in just one chapter of the Bible. So when I ask, "why me?" I must remember to ask myself, "why not?" We are each called according to our purpose, so we must have faith that there is reason and we must remember that Jesus told us to follow Him and to go forth and make disciples of all nations. As we take this journey together, we are going to reflect on questions, read scripture, and learn ways that we can do just as Jesus commands us. 

Part of your journey may be to share your stories with others. In other words, use your story to connect with someone else who may benefit from hearing your story, not your advice, but your story. Over the next few days think about it. Think about your story, your victories, and struggles. Now think about those around you---at work, in your neighborhood, or anyone else you encountered during the week. Is there someone who could benefit from hearing your story? Is God calling you to offer your experiences of God's faithfulness to encourage another in their journey? 

Let us pray:
Lord, Help me to turn away from being so selfish in my thoughts when it comes to sharing you with others. Help me learn to see those opportunities you give us to share about your love and grace. Help me to speak the words that need to be said. Help me to continue to have faith in all that you do, even when I cannot see any reason, any benefit. Lord, please steal my show because that is what I need from you. In your son's name I pray, Amen.