Fear. A feeling so strong that it can be paralyzing. It can cause your heart to race, your pulse to quicken, sweat to bead up on your forehead, and knots to form in your stomach. What are your fears? How do you get past them?
For me I have a handful of fears. I have a tremendous fear of fire. Not so much that I can't be around it, but enough that I fear its potential to engulf and destroy. I like to think I have a healthy fear/respect towards fire. I think the biggest fear is being burned. I don't think I really had this fear until a small kitchen fire when I was in high school that amounted to just some damaged cabinet doors, broken glass, and nasty soot up my nose. I remember my first home when I moved out of my parents I made sure that I had baking soda in every reachable spot and fire extinguishers upstairs and downstairs.
But all the baking soda and fire extinguishers could not have helped me when I suffered burns. It was the burns that probably sealed the deal on my fear of fire...especially the getting burned part. I was almost 20 years old when it happened. We had no hot water, maintenance had still yet to respond to our calls and I needed to bathe. I had work and college to attend to. After careful thought, I realized that in the "olden" days they bathed by putting hot water in tubs with some cold water. So I set the coffee pot and all the large pans up and got the water boiling. Then I made my way up the stairs to begin filling the tub. This worked great the first time.
The next day, things didn't go as well. My mom had just dropped me off and I was preparing for work. I set about getting the water ready and then taking it up the stairs. On one of my trips, the one where I carried the largest pot, I tripped going up the stairs. The lid popped up and so did that boiling water. Up the left side of my neck, tips of my ears, and all the way down to my collar bone. I ran to the shower as fast as I could because I knew from burns in the past to get cold water on it. I also managed to call my mom and tried begging her to bring me burn cream and to hurry. I was in pain, but I didn't realize how bad things were until I got to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror. My skin was peeling off in sheets and bubbling up.
I also never realized how much my appearance mattered. When you have visible burns, especially down your neck, under your chin, and up to your ear people are going to stare.
A few days later I learned that the pain I wen through with the initial burn was nothing compared to the pain of my skin finally coming off and leaving the open, oozing new skin underneath. I never want to feel that kind of pain again and so I fear fire because of its burning ability.
I also have a control problem. I don't like for things to be out of my control so I always feared being in a wreck that would be out of my control. Well, God decided to help me out with that one. A little over a year ago, after driving for 18 years, I hit a dear. And guess what....I lived! Well, I still feared an actual wreck. A few months ago, I was rear ended. When the hit came as I sat at the red light, I recall the shock, the rage, and then somehow being able to get out of my car assess the damage and then get moved over to the parking lot as I called 911. The officer was great and tried hard to ease my shakiness by being funny. I was also lucky because it was next to my mom's work and though I knew I was okay and would be okay, I just needed my mom and she came. Well, guess what....I lived through that too. And the irony of it all, I couldn't help but think that God played a role and that I was there to actually stop the car that hit me. I really think he would've gone through that light that afternoon and that things could've been worse than what they were.
I also fear being not doing things well. If I can't do it well, then I don't want to do it. I fear failure.
But my biggest fear is one I've never shared out. One that I have kept to myself. One that I am going to share now. You see, I believe there are people who are afraid to get too close to God because every time they do, something bad seems to happen. I also believe there are people that are scared when things are going well that the bottom is going to fall out. For me I belong to that latter group. I am so scared that when too many things are going well, that something terrible is about to happen to rock my world and make it come to a screeching halt. Something so bad that it will really test my faith in God and test my relationship with him. My ultimate fear is that God is going to call home one of my babies.
But I realize I can't go around living my life each day fearful of what might happen. God promises to be there with us and tells us not to fear. So I hold on to my faith.
I can promise you that it isn't always easy, but I have to keep my faith. Afterall, God has blessed me in so many ways, I can feel him working on something far bigger than I can dream right now, and bottom line, I have to stand on His promises.
These past few months have been a whirlwind for me. There are times like right now that I am sooooooo tired. But unlike any other time in my life, God is working in me and for once I feel like I am really following him. Sure I've "followed" him in the past, but I hung on so tightly to my control that I didn't really let him lead me. I think that is why I am so tired right now, because I get so excited and energized when I am working on the work he is calling me to do, and then when I finally get to sleep it seems the alarm clock is going off and I'm starting the day all over again. Right now, the fears I have are at bay because God has calmed those fears inside me. Does that mean life is going to be easy, I doubt it. But He is equipping me right now with what I need to do his work. So I take each moment, each act, one step at a time. Sometimes those steps come easily and at other times they are with great trepidation, but I take the step. I think that is probably the hardest part....taking that first step to move past the fears that paralyze you. But then each step after gets a little easier as the paralysis begins to fade.
So what are your fears? How do you handle them? Can you really explain how to just have faith? To just trust in God?
God, you know my deepest fears. There is no hiding from you. Thank you for giving me strength, for upholding me, and above all else for being right here with me through all situations. Thank you for helping me to take one more step and for starting a fire in me. Help me to continue to do the work you want me to do in your name so that others may come to know you as well. Amen.
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