I feel like I have posted and blogged about this many times, but it may never be enough. You see this story is my life, my here and now, my weary and worn, my praise in the storm, and my longing for change...for better.
In the previous post I shared about a colleague and then on Facebook Proverbs 31 ministries posted something very similar: "You have the exact qualities God knew your kids would need in a mother. So, each day, hold up your willingness and ask God to make you the best version of you that you can possibly be." --Lysa TerKeurst
How amazingly and wonderfully true. Bradley and I even had a discussion this evening and while it was mostly a lot of questions about what happens if someone never accepts Christ and admits their sins, we somehow got to discussing God as father. I told him that just like he gets mad at me or his dad, it can be okay to get mad at God sometimes or to be angry about circumstances and that God will be right there holding on to us because we are his children. To which Bradley informed me, "Mom, I have never gotten mad at God about anything I have to go through."
That's when I shared, that people have told me in the past the same thing I had just told him...it is okay to get angry, but you know what? The most I've probably felt is frustrated at the circumstances, but I so whole heartedly believe that God has a great big plan....his dream....for Bradley and for all of us.
For those wanting the stories that have been written in the moments please follow these links to earlier blog posts:
His Hands are Holding Me
Amazing Grace
The Words No Mom Should Have to Hear
Life Without Food
Mommy, Am I a Special Needs Child?
The Moments Sneak Up on You
We are still going through these trials. We have good days and bad days. I have good days and bad days. There are a few people who ask about us in such a way that brings a tear to my eye....immediately asking how Bradley (because it is usually a question about him) is doing they immediately follow up with "Well, how's mom doing?" So together we have our days and apart we have our moments too.
I just thank God for all the little things he places in my life that keeps me right where I need to be with trusting in him. Today was no exception. As I went to play a Casting Crowns song, I found one I don't believe I had listened to before called "Just Be Held".
"Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong.
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on.
And when you're tired of fighting chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go."
BAM! First few words and I'm hooked because I relate so well. I have to be very purposeful in letting it go, in letting God be in control because I do work so hard to hold it all together, to be strong for everyone. I know God wants me to let go and let him, but I have to remind myself to do that all the time. Sometimes it is easier and more natural to do, but other times I have to make myself do it.
It takes me right back to those nights when I would cry myself and just let God hold me so I could get just the rest I needed to be ready for the 2 and 3 o'clock wake up screams from my baby boy. Or just to be ready to deal with all the wrappings and medications and comforting throughout the day.
So many times, especially the past year as so many co-workers in my life have gotten just a small glimpse into what our life is like as they have watched Bradley in person, I have been told "I don't see how you do all you do." Well the truth is I don't, at least not by myself. I don't carry this heavy burden alone because I have God, he carries me through and gives me just the right people and support I need when I need it.
I don't have all the answers, I don't know all there is to know about life and God, but what I do know is that without him this life I have would be a struggle I couldn't bear. I also know that just as the song shares: "Your worlds not falling apart, It's falling into place."
So what about you? Are there times in your life where you let him just hold you? Times where you paint on that smile and put up a strong front because you feel you have to be the strong one for everyone? Reflect on those times. What is your story?
Let us pray:
God, you are my strong tower. You hold me when I need holding, carry me when I need to be carried, and give me the strength and rest I need when I need it. Without your unfailing love, I could not do this. I can't do any of this alone, without you in my life. Thank you. Thank you for blessing me, for your grace, and for holding me when I need you. Amen.
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